End of the road

As I walked out of the oncology unit for the last time, I feel this explosive joy inside me, this crazy joy of being alive! So alive!

I know I still have some way to go building myself up, especially my heart muscles. I am still not my best self yet, but that is to come. Definitely!

My cardiologist was waiting for me with a beaming smile.

“Hey Jac, you should get a new tattoo,” he said. Then seriously, ‘I could do it for you if you like.”

Me: “Are you crazy?”

He shrugged. ‘You didn’t do such a good job on yourself,” he remarked, pointing to the ones on my left wrist that yes, I tattooed on myself – badly.

I was curious. “What would you tattoo on me?”

Again, that beaming megawatt smile. “Only two words, Jac. Nulli Secundus.”

I couldn’t stop smiling.

I am always pale and ill-looking after each session of radiotherapy (yeah and feeling weak) as you can see from this photo, but here I am, bursting with joy and happiness. Yes, the cancer journey is over! Five days a week of radiotherapy over five weeks with a short break in between – it was grueling (haha, hence I am Nulli Secundus). I have deleted the previous posts of my cancer diary, because as of now, we are only going to have wellness, sunshine, happiness and success. Similarly, I have detached myself from many friends, including close friends, until I have rebuilt my auric shield completely. I find there is so much fear and unburdening going on out there if I allow it in – people tell me they cry about my illness or are shocked, scared, worried etc. But hello, we all die, lose our jobs, fall sick, break up, have babies, make things, rise, live. It’s all part of life.

Embrace life freely and with courage. As my wise friend Azlan Adnan says, if you die with fear in your heart, you die feeling like a piece of shit (he had to be revived twice so he does know what he is talking about). I think living with fear in your heart is just as bad; it is simply tragic. This blog will be filled with great short fiction – I am so focused now on making my novel a big success in 2016 that I am going to be writing lots in my little office.

And watch this space too – you will see the most amazing physical transformation. Love to you all!

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2 thoughts on “End of the road

  1. Good on you gurl. I too have tasted the “high” of being in complete remission. No point wishing everybody health and happiness “always” as it is not going to happen. So I’m going to wish you peace in your heart with every breath you take….


    1. Thank you so much for your good wishes, my friend, and congratulations too for being a survivor. You are absolutely right about your comments – yes, it is not going to happen. We live in an imperfect world, and it is how we cope that defines us. Peace to you too ❤


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